Written by Kayla Lords
Not every submissive is in a position to be sexual with their Dominant. Even those who are in long-term loving relationships don’t get to be kinky and sexy all the time. Real life intervenes too often for that. Sometimes the only thing that can help you feel submissive and sustain the need to serve or submit are things that have nothing to do with sexual activity.
On the other hand, not every D/s relationship includes sex at all.
For many of us, submission is about serving our partner, taking care of them, and doing what they want. No matter how many miles separate you or how vanilla your life sometimes feels, you can be submissive in your daily life. Take a look at few ideas and methods to feel more submissive every day.
Submission isn’t always about waiting to be told what to do or only doing the tasks you’re given by your Dominant. When you need to feel more submissive or be reminded of your submission in your very vanilla life, ask permission for something. Talk to your partner about this before you do ask, so they understand why you’re asking and can consent to it. You can ask permission for almost anything.
- Ask if you get a coffee while you’re running errands.
- Ask if you can have dessert.
- Ask if you can have a cheeseburger or milkshake as a special treat.
- Ask if you can buy new clothes.
- Ask if you can watch a guilty pleasure movie or show on TV.
- Ask if you can go out with your friends.
Some of these asks might be for things you know you shouldn’t do too often. Others can be for permission to make special purchases that you know they’ll enjoy. My own Daddy Dom loves having veto power over what clothes I buy. It’s as if he’s dressing me himself when he says yes or no about a dress or a shirt. Remember: they might tell you no, so be prepared for that, too.
Do Everyday Things for Your Dominant
If you’re already in a D/s relationship, you may have a list of tasks you’re expected to complete daily, weekly, or as needed. It might not be enough or it may focus on the more sexual aspects of your kink. For anyone looking for more things to do to feel submissive, remember, it can be anything that helps your Dominant in even a small way.
- Make their coffee in the morning.
- Set the alarm clock before bed.
- Make breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner for them.
- Remind them of upcoming appointments or events.
- Set the appointments for them – this tends to be easier if you’re married or in a long-term relationship.
- Be their assistant when they’re working on projects.
- Serve them at meals.
- Let them know when you read or watch things you’ll think they enjoy – send them the link, find it online, buy the book or movie.
These things don’t sound like much, but it doesn’t take much to feel submissive. It’s more about your mindset. For many of us, being submissive means taking care of our partner. Whatever small, everyday things you can do for your Dominant can go on your list.
Some Dominants have strict rules about control. Ask your Dominant if it’s okay if you do these kinds of things for them. They may be pleasantly surprised and agree with no problems. On the other hand, they may agree but have specific instructions in mind. Either way, you’ll be serving them.
Give Up Control Over Your Daily Life
The level of control you give up to a Dominant partner is unique to every submissive and every relationship. You might not be comfortable with total control. Sometimes, your Dominant might not be ready for that much responsibility. Take it as slow as you need to so that neither of you are overwhelmed. And never feel bad if you never give up much control at all.
Here are some ideas for how to hand over more control to your Dominant in your daily life:
- Wardrobe choices
- Make-up, jewelry, and other accessories
- When you go to bed
- When you go to the gym
- How much television, Netflix, or YouTube you can watch
- What time you wake up
- How much, if any, alcohol you drink
Remember, not every Dominant wants this level of control and not every submissive is ready to give up this much power. Do the things that work for both of you. And add to this list if you can think of other things. I’m an avid reader and sometimes I have to be told to put my book down so I can go to bed.
Staying Safe in Submission
It’s one thing to give up control in a consensual D/s relationship with a Dominant you trust. It’s another thing for someone to take that control and use it to abuse you. Be on the lookout for problems so that you can remove yourself from bad situations as soon as possible.
Certain red flags to watch for when it comes to control going from kinky and part of your power exchange to something dangerous:
- Controlling who you see
- Controlling what and how much you eat
- Controlling whether you get medical care
- Controlling who your friends are – a good Dom will caution you about people who treat you badly, but they won’t keep you from friends and family
- Controlling your finances outside of a financial power exchange
Submission is supposed to be fulfilling to you on some level, sexual or otherwise. While your boundaries should be pushed a little from time to time, you should never feel truly afraid for your safety outside of a consensual scene.
Your D/s power exchange relationship is whatever you make of it. If any of these ideas appeal to you or help you think of other ways you can submit in your everyday life, talk to your Dominant and come up with a plan. It might take awhile to get adjusted to your new tasks, but it might also help you both feel more fulfilled in your relationship – which is the whole point.
About Kayla Lords:
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and podcaster who is also a masochistic submissive babygirl who adores her sadistic Daddy Dom. You can find her talking about kinky fuckery at KaylaLords.com.