An Article Modified Exclusively for A Submissive’s Initiative™
by Sophie Avett
Merry met oh-wicked-ones,
I’m Sophie. I write craptastic books. And I’m a kinky. Let’s talk about what we all care about, shall we?
What is hotwife/cuckholding?
You know, I’m kind of surprised whenever this comes up. No, really. If you break this puppy out in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner—who are you?! And why the hell aren’t you sitting next to me?!
Why? Mostly, because of how much people (readers, authors, the Pope) seem to hate it when characters have sex with other people outside of their committed relationship. Especially while their onscreen. I mean, does the Scarlett Letter ring a bell? All manner of clergy was pissed off in there.
However, I’m the kind of lass that lives to break all those frilly rules. So, let’s start from the beginning…
Hotwife, the Definition
A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her. (Hotwifing & Cuckholding – The Matriarch Reigns Supreme)
WTF? How? – This largely depends on you, your partner and the relationship dynamics. Honestly, it’s going to depend on how you define monogamy and commitment. Many of these types of relationships work because of clear boundaries, open lines of communication, and a unified view in those values.
What if…? – If you’re considering this type of relationship, definitely keep things like “jealously” in mind, but also tackle some of the smaller domestic problems like whose responsibility it is to pay the hotel room, bill/date night “cost” and why.
Honestly, this type of relationship is the basis for most ménage books ever written. That’s right, you’re not weird. People have been into this since the dawn of porn and time, which probably have about the same birthdate. (Along with civilization, and whatever cavemen used for Facebook.) Unfortunately, I have never written a ménage book, BUT I happen to have come across another indie author who writes this type of relationship in a way that is easy for a reader to get a clear view into the everyday, domestic dynamics of such a relationship, while STILL enjoying a wonderfully sweet book. (That’s right, ingrates. Literature teaches.)
POPPY PASSIONS (Stephanie Beck) – This is a story about Poppy’s relationship with three (fucking hot) brothers. She’s very much like you and me. She has children, an extended family, a job, and all the stress all that entails. On top of that, she has to balance three relationships. They have a very organized, very sweet (and sexy) relationship. This is actually one of the few books in this sub-genre of erotic romance that convinced me such a relationship could actually be worth exploring in real life. It really is just that sweet.
A NOTE about Stephanie Beck – She also writes some really wonderful BDSM romance. Some of it is harder-core, but, for the most part, it’s served with sugar. Definitely add her to your list of authors to check out. (I recommend David’s Angel next.)
Also, check out…
JOEY W. HILL’S VAMPIRE MISTRESS AND VAMPIRE TRINITY – It’s a “hotwife” ménage done delicious. (And there are fangs!) More on Joey below.
Roadblocks and Such – Do you know what else you should keep in mind? Personality conflicts. No family is perfect. A blended family is even harder to manage. Why? Because we’re ALL screw-ups. Definitely take advantage of the variety of personality types at your fingertips and forge meaningful bonds where you can. Never will we get anywhere as a society, unless we make like the bees and love one another, damn it.
More than most relationships, the “hotfwife” dynamic leaves a battlefield rife with opportunities for an explosion. Do you know what will fix this? Honesty. Complete and utter honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you’re comfortable with. And don’t set things in stone. It’s okay to say, “Hey, can we just try it this way for a little while—not sure how the fuck I’m gonna feel about Tom, Dick, AND Harry.” (Gina, too? Christ, woman.)
Granted, it is entirely possible for a couple to practice “hotwife” or “modified wifeswap” and it’s not a regular occurrence. Just something they do every so once in a while when they get a naughty itch. It could even be a monthly occurrence, etc. So, definitely make sure “when” is discussed. If you have preferences about “who,” that should also be brought up. You know, like if Tom stole your car (and the girlfriend in it) senior year and you’re still not over it, so if we could not fuck that one…(Gina’s fine, though.)
Do you know what else should be discussed? Protection and hard limits. Case and point, my husband and I are firm “no glove, no love” peeps. We won’t screw anything but one another raw. Blow-jobs are also done ala rubber. We’re regulars at the check-up clinic, too. Oh, and no marks—absolutely no marks. Another man can ride me like a pony all night if he wants, but the minutes he leaves a hickey on my neck—BLOOD in the streets. (My husband is a very alpha, very possessive creature.) So, make sure to discuss these types of things with your partner BEFORE date-night.
Mind, just because a woman is involved in “hotwife” does not necessarily mean she’s a swinger. On the contrary, she’s in a committed relationship, but retains the right to have sex with who she wants, when she wants, however she wants. (Of course, within the parameters she’s discussed with her partner.) In many instances, the husband is not present while she’s “cheating” on him.
What about when he’s there? You know…watching?
I’ll take your questions and raise you a cookie…
What if he masturbated while he watched?
Our Lord and Savior, Jack Sparrow the Pirate, teaches: “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”
Back in Rome, porn was slaves preforming sexual acts on each other for the viewing pleasure of their masters. Understand that men—and women, too. Don’t lie, bitches–are very visual creatures. When you invite your partner to share in your pleasure (even indirectly) you’re automatically saying, “Experience this with me.”
That’s a very beautiful invitation to offer another person.
How do you avoid things feeling awkward?
I’m not going to feed you the same drivel about communication and boundaries that people who get paid WAY more than me are constantly spouting. I’m going to tell you the cake-eater’s version—you set the mood. Atmosphere. You approach the situation like it’s sexy one and you plan ahead of time if that’s what it’s going to take for you to relax.
Light some candles, set up a chair, and make magic. The end. (<I’m being simplistic on purpose. I want you guys to stop taking this so seriously. Sex is organic. It happens when you let it. How you treat it will taint the atmosphere accordingly. For instance, have you ever been completely turned off from the start, but the sheer fucking force of someone else’s arousal turns you on and before you know it…
I suggest you make sure you’re horny before you get there, too. Let the idea stew in your mind. Talk about it with your partner, but let it rock and roll for the most part. You’ll be surprised. Inhibitions are finicky things.
Now for those of us who prefer to do our cake-eating and cheating solo, many couples do enjoy sharing “war stories” with one another afterwards. In many cases those “war stories” are a special and sexy, intimate conversation they have, a way of sharing their experiences and thoughts in an open and inviting forum.
In my studies, there’s often talk of: “What did he do? Did you like it? Want me to do it that way too? Teach me how to please you.”
It is rarely ever “Is he better than me?” in a jealous sense. Usually that question is asked with feigned disdain like “Is he better than me? Oh? Can’t decide? Let me help you make up your mind. Get on your back and spread, little bitch.”
You’ll note that this kind of relationship can be incredibly therapeutic for a woman’s sense of self-entitlement. It can completely change her attitude about pleasure. It can go from “something I’m only allowed to like doing when I’m in love” to “I’m a sexual being. I’m entitled to having my needs met.” When that sense of empowerment arouses your partner, it’s very encouraging.
“The hotwife has been given sexual freedom while being able to hold onto the security of her primary relationship.” (The Hotwife Phenomena, Modern Direction.com)
And girls, you’ll be happy to know that most men honestly and truly find it arousing when you embrace your sensuality. Right?! Someone throw confetti.
This doesn’t sound like its half-bad, why don’t more people do it, Sophie?
They do. Actually, the “hotwife” fetish is a well-guarded secret phenomenon. Many of the people who practice are married, and in deeply committed relationships. Case and point, myself. (Everyone wails, “I knew it!”)
There can’t be that many people who practice. Why don’t I know more about it?
You have to understand the stigma that is attached to marriage, and how quickly people seem to want to define and judge choices that have absolutely nothing to do with them. As a matter of fact, in the United States Military, an enlisted soldier can still be charged for the crime of “adultery” and be discharged from the service. (Happens a lot more often than you think. Not the hotwife part, but the “adultery.”) Yep. That’s right. Say the wrong person finds out you’re practicing “hot-wife,” and you’re called on it in the workplace, imagine how that will settle over.
Society isn’t very forgiving. People who practice this type of relationship usually face adversity from EVERYWHERE. Oh, yeah, sweetie. Let’s go ahead and get real, because what’s right for you isn’t always an easy pill for people like your parents, or your pastor to swallow. Expect some long looks and my favorite, “Well, whatever—you can do it, but I could NEVER see how that works. I love my husband/wife too much…”
Yeah, and my fat ass is too wide for your narrow, little mind.
So, yes, keep in mind, naughty chicklets, that many people practice. And yes, it’s a well-kept secret. Whether you choose to be completely discrete, or completely open is up to you.
Honestly, this is one of those fetishes that I don’t think would exist as an actual “fetish” if society were a little more welcoming about different sexual preferences and mating behaviors.
You can touch whomever? Whenever? However you want? What about him? Does he get to touch other women whenever he wants? Yes, as long as he’s home in time for tea. (lol)
What you’re really asking about is jealously, isn’t it?
There is no need for jealously in our relationship because there is no insecurity in our commitment. More often than not, the two people in this type of relationship enjoy the security of knowing they can trust their partner to tell them the TRUTH no matter what. Their partner will tell them truth about their needs, their desires, and won’t judge them. Won’t make them feel like they’ll always have to carry a secret from the person they love. Will even encourage them to experience life, and come back to a loving and safe home when they’re done with their experimentation.
This is crazy. Haven’t you heard of wedding vows? Have you no principles, heathen?
I’m not sure about other men in the world, but my husband has time and time again told me how much he appreciates that I am his best friend AND his wife. He can tell me about the kinky things he did to some other woman, the things he liked, the things he thought were utterly ridiculous—I’m his confidant. His partner in crime. Forever and always.
Somewhere during his musings, he usually finds himself unbelievably horny. (Indeed, I’m shocked. No, really.) He spends the night fucking me to pieces. He tells me that he enjoys teaching me about the things he learns elsewhere. He enjoys perfecting and customizing the techniques to my body. He’s usually enflamed with passion, telling me terribly crass things about the way she screamed, but how all he could think about was the fact that I have more backbone than that. That he’s really going to have to work to get a response with me. How much he missed the way I smell. How different it is when he touches me versus her. How it never quite feels as good unless I’m wrapped around him.
And that’s where the chocolate ticket is in this type of relationship…
Because this is always how my husband has responded to stepping outside of our marriage, I have never experienced a feeling of jealously. Possessive? Am I a terribly possessive creature? Yes. Horrendously. It isn’t a Pixie. It’s MY Pixie. He is MY husband.
I am wife. I will have final say over that animal’s life and death. I am his house, his home, and I will be his hellfire. I have his tears, his beginning and beyond. If you want to climb on top of that wicked tongue or enjoy a night of sensual fucking, I completely understand—the Viking is hot. Here is a towel, bottled water, and a flare gun just in case. Just send him back to me when you can’t take the mayhem and snoring anymore.
Do you see where I’m going with this? This relationship works because of the very, very miniscule and nearly invisible nuts and bolts in a relationship.
What about the possibility that cheating will lead to one or both people falling in love with someone else?
How anyone deals with this question will reveal a lot about his or her personality. I don’t claim to be wise, but I think this depends on your view love. How do I deal with it? Personally, love isn’t sacred to me. It isn’t something that can’t exist in holy unity with the rest of the nature. Like hate, I feel like love has a millions shades, and its applications are endless. Case and point..?
I love the author Joey W. Hill. I love her in a completely different way than I love anyone else. I love her as my teacher, my sensei. The person who pushes my mind to the point of bursting, who continues to challenge me with her writing and her serenity. I admire her. I want to be her when I grow up. This love is profound. That woman could probably set me on fire, and I’d be looking for the lesson in it. When I write (which is a painful, intimate process for any of us) I carry her in my spirit.
There is only a handful of authors I feel this way about, but the emotion is real. And it is love. BUT I didn’t always feel that way about her. I used to feel that way about Sylvia Plath in my early tender, teenage years. I’ve change since then. I hadn’t “met” Joey yet.
Starting to make a little sense?
I love my husband in a completely different way. I love him romantically. I want him. I want to have his babies, etc. but I also understand that I might not be the person he’ll carry in that part of his spirit forever. I would like to be. But I understand that as he changes and grows as a person that feeling might change, too. What if he decides that he wants to become a different person, the person he wanted to be since he was a child, and in that change, he finds someone who takes him higher than I can? What if he finds his “once in a life time?”
If he ever came to me and said, “Sophie, I love you, but…I want to love her more,” I would completely understand that. I would understand that love is a living, breathing organism. When it dies, it’s because we stopped feeding it. When it changes, it’s because we have, too.
Therefore, I would be upset. I would cry. I would probably scream blood in the streets. And then, I’d put on my big girl knickers. At the end of it, I suppose I would be quite happy that he found someone to love him. Someone he wants to love. To want to love is too precious a gift for me to be selfish. Let them live happily ever. You know never know, my happy ending could be right around the corner. Or it could be that my husband is my happy ending. That’s the great thing about endings; you don’t get to know until you’re actually there.
This mantra on love is precisely why I don’t particularly worry over things such as jealousy, but everyone is different, and different relationships will have different people, and their reasoning for why or how they can believe in something will be different. These are just my humble opinions and observations, and I leave the important choices to you. (Like where the hell we’re getting cake? I need cake.)
About Sophie Avett – Sophie is good for nothing but spanks, writing, and chocolate. She’s a bestselling author of dark erotic fantasy and a practicing Switch. (And a SAM, you daft bastard!) Don’t let any of this fool you. The pixies know her best and they’ll be the first ones to tell you, the real Sophie is an endlessly awkward hippie, who spends her time dreaming about being a dragon from behind towers of naughty mythology books.
For more information about Sophie Avett and her craptastic books, please feel free to check out her website: www.sophieavett.weebly.com (She loves to hear from her readers!)