Tag Archives: question

Abusive Past

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Question:

“i’ve been a sub for a little over a year. my last Dom didn’t listen to the safety word or even when i said stop and didn’t give any aftercare. being a sub has opened a passionate side of me i thought would never appear but i’m afraid to get another bad Dom. if you have any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.”

First off I want to say that I’m sorry you had to go through that. It is unfortunate that some people think that being a Dom means they abuse their submissives. I know it will probably take a lot of trust on your part to be able to take the “gamble” and enter into another D/s relationship, so take your time to heal and learn what you want to get out of your next relationships first. We have several articles on our website that deal with abuse and BDSM, so please feel free to go through these results and I hope they will help you out. Also, we have a sister page, The Safe Submissive, that posts more about safety issues and abuse within the community and several groups on different social sites if you need any support.

Poll Results Are In! (Pleasure, Pain, and Science)

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While not hugely successful, we did get about 100 votes on the poll, so that does at least make it an easy number to work with! I have had a lot of fun putting this together in the last couple of weeks. Let me begin by thanking our readers for participating, because of your help, my ‘theoretical’ fourth part was able to become reality, so I really couldn’t have done it without you! Now, onto the results!

painscale

For the ‘yes or no’ question about making a consistent, conscious effort to raise your pain threshold being important to you or not, a resounding 70% of us said ‘Yes!’

50% of us say we would tell our partners to stop what they were doing between 8, 9 , and 10, with 8 being ‘much more pain than pleasure’, and 10 being no pleasure at all, only pain! We really do like it rough!

In question one, I asked about your pain threshold in regard to what you say it was during your first BDSM experience involving pain. 6 and 7, respectively, were the most popular answers. In the second question, I asked where you consider your threshold to be right now, at this moment, and 8 and 7 were the most popular, respectively. It turns out 56 of us were at a ’5 or under’ on the ‘pain subjectiveness’ scale when we started, and only 28 of us now consider ourselves to be at a 5 or under. So, roughly a little more than 25% of us seem to have had a significant increase in our pain threshold, while 70% of us make an effort to raise it. Are we doing anything wrong? I highly doubt it. There wasn’t any way for me to work in more variables, such as, ‘how long you have been in the lifestyle to begin with’, and, ‘do you participate regularly in sessions involving pain’, as I think this would have allowed for explanations as to why or why not our pain threshold is stagnant or growing. I think also, it may be likely that those in long term relationships with their partners might have an ‘easier time’, if you will, working on their pain thresholds, on account of things like experience with one person regularly, and just being plain comfortable enough to be able to ‘let go’. That is just my opinion though, and I wish I could have included things like that. Maybe PollDaddy will add some new formats and features or something, and I may be able to do it in the future.

This may raise more questions than answer them, and I suppose any scientific study worth its weight garners more questions than answers at the end, haha! Within those results, however, is something to be proud of I think. Since 7 and 8 were the most popular answers for ‘right now’ thresholds, and most of us have to ‘stop’ at 8, 9, or 10, this means we are, in fact being very open and honest with our communication in regards to how much pain we can bear. Good for us for living up to our own standards and practicing what we preach! Now, go give yourself a nice pat on the back……..or a flogging, whatever you prefer, since its all just subjective anyhow…..

If your interested in the research that brought this piece to its conclusion, just read these first two articles about Pleasure, Pain, and Science. The poll is actually still open, so it might be fun to see if it evolves over time and any averages change. Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!

Part One

http://asubmissivesinitiative.wordpress.com/2013/07/21/pleasure-pain-and-science-part-one/

Part Two

http://asubmissivesinitiative.wordpress.com/2013/07/23/pleasure-pain-and-science-part-two/

The Poll (part 3)

http://asubmissivesinitiative.wordpress.com/2013/07/27/poll-one-the-subjectiveness-of-it-all/

The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination

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This is a PREVIEW article written by Akasha. To read the other chapters, visit her website. COPYRIGHT 2003, 2005 [email protected]

Photo from http://www.mrwallpaper.com

“I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy.” Continue reading →

My Dom is Ignoring Me!

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Fan Question:

“I am at the end of my rope and don’t know where to turn now.. I have been with my partner for 3 years now but or relationship seems to be at a standstill if not dissolving. I am a lost slave so to speak.. My partner is a Master however he has never collared me which is causing its own issues for me mentally and emotionally. My problem is that I have tried to express my needs and desires to him in various ways all ending in failure. My latest efforts ended with him calling me an ingrate for disagreeing that it should all be my responsibility to get attention I am craving. I often feel he isn’t interested in me anymore making it hard to dress up for him or even get close to him I feel rejected. I have gone so long without my needs being met that I have become somewhat of a brat which he is blanking for his lack of interest. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost without having aspects of feeling owned and loved. Any advise could help at this point I really an at my wits end with how to even communicate my needs anymore….”

 

Answer:

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. My advice would be to let him know that you are feeling helpless about his lack attention and that it is something you feel you need in order to continue in this relationship. If he keeps ignoring your attempts without any sort of recognition or compromise, then maybe it’s time to ask for release and find someone who is more attentive and respectful. A proper Dom should be open to listening to his sub/slave. Not that they will always get their way, but communication is a big part of creating a healthy relationship! And it has to go both ways.

Letting Go

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Fan Question:

“I need some advice. I have always been in control. I gave up that control to my Master/boyfriend and sometimes have a hard time letting it go. I can be a bit of a brat and I don’t want to dissapoint him. What can I do to let go of the control?”

Answer:

Being a brat isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just depends on when you are a brat and the reasons behind the brattiness. For some Dominants it can be an endearing quality, but you have to remember that being demanding and argumentative are not likable characteristics for any submissive and honestly goes against what being a submissive is.

If you feel a bratty moment coming a long, tell your Dom! Just say I really feel ____ or I’d like to really ____ right now. Being honest is part of developing a healthy relationship and is absolutely necessary for making a BDSM relationship work. Communication can go a long way, so let him/her know you are struggling with this aspect. That way they can recognize when you are struggling and try to help you through it. It’s a Dominant’s job to guide you, so let them help!

You can also start a journal to keep track of your bratty moments. Think about what triggered the feeling, what helped you calm down or what pushed you over the edge, and ways you can handle future issues.

Good luck!

Should I Look for a Dom First?

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Fan Question:

“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”

Answer: If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~

Abusive Past

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Fan Question:
“Hi sorry to bother you im just looking for sum advice im new to the lable of a 24/7 submissive ive had a previous relationship where my submission was abused so now ive been extremely bad and been very bratty to the poin where my sir as questiond my submissiveness and he got extremely aggressive with me and told me I just wanna be dominated not submissive x it really hurts deep inside when I displease him x but he lost his temper sud I stay accept my punishment for being bad or as he crossed the line losing his temper with me x”

Answer: Everyone is allowed to lose their temper, and everyone is allowed to make mistakes. I think the main thing is where you guys go from here. I think the best thing is to sit down and have a good, open discussion (without pointing any blame) and talk about the facts. Where do you want your relationship to go? What can you both do to improve the communication, etc. He also has to understand (and you should tell him, if he doesn’t already know) about your past.. because that will change how you react and how you submit.. even if you don’t realize it. It’s a part of you.

Feitsh Q&A

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ANNOUNCEMENT!
Thursday, May 2nd, we will be hosting our next tinychat Q&A!
We will be starting this Q&A off on the topic of Fetishes, so be sure to bring your questions!

ASI rules will apply to the tinychat! If you are rude, start spamming or are simply there to cause trouble, we will remove you, so please play nice. :)

No need to register, you can sign in using your FB and if you have any questions feel free to message us.

http://tinychat.com/asibdsm

Talking Dirty?

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Fan Question:”I’m in a new relationship with a man who loves to be dominated. I’ve always wanted to explore bdsm but never trusted any of my previous partners to do so. When I met the man I’m with now it felt like we were destined to be together. We had an instant connection and we trust eachother completely. As far as dominating him I’m working on it my only thing is I’m not confident enough idk why because he always tells me everrytime we try something new that I’m doing very well but idk I can’t seem to convince myself lol. U have any pointers for a new girl ?? My biggest weakness is the talk, its like I blank out . He loves when I talk dirty, drives him crazy but sometimes I cant think of anything!!!”

Answer: It’s going to take some practice! WHAT you say depends on what turns him on.. so maybe just ask him what gets him going? Is there a certain phrase or word that gets him really excited? Then you could use that to your advantage.. use it make him orgasm faster than expected, to tease him, to deny him, etc. That all depends on what kind of D/s relationship you guys have. I think once you understand what words/phrases turn him on and which ones kill his sexual appetite, you’ll have more confidence in USING those words for your own fun!

Existing Relationship or Start New?

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Fan Question: “I have a question… I am very interested in becoming a Sub or atleast trying it out. How do you find someone you can trust to be your Dom, is it possible for two people in a relationship build this type of relationship or is it something that is completely separate for a new type relationship? Also if is, how is it something you get started? Not sure if you know or have any advise but thought I give it a try.”

Answer: You can try to incorporate BDSM into your existing relationship or start a new one, depending on the agreement you have with your current partner. There are some that can work BDSM into a relationship they already have and others where that kind of dynamic won’t work.. so they have a separate relationship (with all partners aware). For some tips on how to start, you can check out our website’s beginner’s articles and maybe post in our forum too!